**Sometime's I'm my own worst enemy...**

Ya know, today has been one of my bad days... Marcus, thank's for being there to put me back on my feet again.

I just don't know when my dad is going to learn... or what I can ever possibly do to help him. I've tried. We've all tried. Maybe he just doesn't want to get better and to step up to be the dad in my life i want him to be, i need him to be that figure. I'm crying right now as "Walk a little straighter daddy" plays constantly in my mind. That song is my song. Word by word it plays true to most of my childhood,a nd even now.. as I'm getting older and maturing spiritually, his addiction never gets easier on me.  I can deal with it now, but I don't accept it... I never will. I don't condone it either.

It has, however, made me a much stronger person. It takes a lot to uproot my system. It really does. It takes a lot to get me off track and unfocused, but once I get there, it's soo hard for me to get back on my own two feet again. This time, he's yanked me out of my stability and I just don't know what to do. God's here though.. holding my hand as I'm crying out.. not for myself, but for him. I'm certain no one *truly* wants to live their lives that way. I honestly hope no one would. I know he never meant to get this rooted in his addiction, but he did... It's  hurt us all. Even though they're divorced, I know it still bothers my mom.. Not so much for him, but for seeing what he's done to me.

The song says "If i've  learned one thing from him, its my kids will never have to say.." that's soo true. I'll never put my kids through this torment. It's exactly what it is.. I tried to keep it a secret so long...like it was somehow, someway my fault. It's not... it's not whatsoever. It doesn't take the hurt away anyless knowing that it isn't. But i know I did not cause this problem. I used to never open up about this, but here lately, I have been. It's been troubling my heart for the past couple of weeks. If you take anything out of this entry, take this: what you do, not only affects you.. but everyone you are close to.

He never set out to make my life bad. not to say it was... but it is a burden... it's a burden to know that I've tried soo many times to help and I've failed. I'm a failure in my own eyes... but in God's eyes, im an achiever